The four major local franchises should change all their nicknames.

The Colorado Charmins would be appropriate.

The Avalanche, the Nuggets, the Broncos and the lovable Rockies are as soft as a bison’s behind.

Welcome to the City of Has-Beens, Also-Rans, Sportsware Losers and Beer festivals.

With an ultra-gentle touch they are the wobegone forgotten. Like the other Denver dreaded representatives before, the most recent dupes are being wiped out. The Avalanche Ice Capades most likely will lose the third game in the Western Conference series with the Las Vegas Beholden Knights and have only one definite defeat ahead before 1,2,3, Fourgone.

Coach Jared Bednar, a handsome and charming man, left Ball Area Friday night with another giveaway to the Knights and a timeout in his expensive suit pocket while club president Joe Sakic stood in a cheap suit wearing a facial scowl: “Goodbegonebedsoft’’.

Along with 10-12 players who never will return to Av-Nots.

Yes, everybody has known that Cale Makar has been out for the two games in the series with LVGK because an upper-body injury (which in reality is a separated shoulder damaged by a torrid hit in the previous round with the Wild and lingering pain in the regular season).

The consensus among the squeezed-in crowd and the self-proclaimed hockey goobers was that the Avalanche, with a 1-0 edge, would win with the greatest two-way starlight in the entire world. But Makar is hurt and human.  Bednar directed the most stupid soliloquy when he said that Makar would make the call about playing in the series. Don’t the Avalanche have trainers and doctors, and a head coach who might offer decisions about the league’s No. 1 defender and power-play perfectionist? Seems a group judgment would offer opinions? The Avalanche treat the territory between the blue lines as if it’s no-man’s ice while allowing the Knight’s to control the center of the rink.

The Avalanche act as soft as a Dairy Queen Blizzard or snow flakes in LoDo.

The Avalanche attitude stinks like the Nuggets, who played like squirrels against the WonderWolves in the playoffs.

The Avs haven’t played tough enough since 2022 when they got the Stanley Cup. This is hockey, not an operetta.

The Nuggets won the NBA Championship in 2023 but have been softer than an alpaca sweater since.

The Nuggets can’t win enough without Aaron Gordon any more than the Avalanche without Makar. The teams have the most stunning pairs in sports – Nikola Jokic and Jamal Murray in basketball and Nate Mackinnon and Makar in hockey. And nada to show for recent years.

The Broncos are softies, too. Lose Bo Nix, lose Super Bowl. The Broncos generally are as soft as body butter. How about a tough tight end? Or a malicious inside linebacker?

Sean Payton talks a hard game on offense,but relies on screen passes and soft throws in the flat. When are the Broncos about to call eight progressive plays in the rush game? Nobody in the league will criticize the Broncos’ Punch-and-Judy 18th century attack on offense.

So the Broncos are kept out of the championship by being a soft team; the Nuggets were overwhelmed in the post-season by a tougher bunch, and the Avalanche are about to be eliminated again by an opponent that treats them like toilet paper and has no fear when behind by 3, 1 or none.  Who looked right at home Friday night? Not the pliable team with the best-dressed coach.

Lest we forget, the Colorado Roxbottoms never will be confused with an MLB adversary that slams into catchers, throws the first punch in a scuffle and doesn’t mind pitches at the chin or the knee. The spineless “new” Rox are too busy trying to steal a base or take a walk.  The team originally exploded with four players clubbing home runs and a relief pitcher clubbing a guy. The most popular-selling product now sold at the ballpark is cotton candy in tribute to a team on the verge of losing 600 games in six seasons.

Colorado always claims to be a city with 300 days of sunshine and championship teams.

Pray for rain.