You can tell a lot about a hot dog joint just by its pun-ridden motto.

“Where man bites dog,” “We have a wiener” — most good hot-doggeries, frankly, have a pithy saying. They are so common, in fact, that a librarian at University of Illinois wrote a paper on them. She titled it “Dew Drop Inn and Lettuce Entertain You: Onomastic Sobriquets in the Food and Beverage Industry.”

And I can’t help but think the quality of the quip can reveal the quality of the cuisine. Consider longtime west-side favorite Margo’s Vienna Station. Motto: “We relish your buns.” It’s clever, a little naughty, but cute. It works. And so does Margo’s, where you can reliably get a good Chicago dog quick and cheap.

Now, consider the new downtown doggery, Dick’s Dogs and Diner. Motto: “If you like hot dogs, you’ll love Dick’s.”

The image it conjures is, well, not that appetizing.

The same could be said of Dick’s. The dog menu here offers extensive and ornate dogs topped with piles of just about everything. Problem is, it’s just not that good. And when you take service into account, it’s even worse.

The décor is decidedly man hut. Owners Kevin Mac Donald and Josh Simpson took over a spot that had been a sub shop and covered the walls and nooks with NASCAR posters, kachina dolls and other random stuff that looks like it was pulled out of a garage. The classic rock station is turned up just a bit too loud. You order at the counter from list of regional dog styles: Chicago with the “full salad” of pickles, relish, tomatoes and peppers ($4); A Boston dog covered in baked beans and onions ($4); even a Colombian dog with coleslaw, pineapple sauce and crushed potato chips ($4, sounds weird, tastes pretty good).

The restaurant also serves a smattering of breakfast items, grilled cheese, brats and grilled chicken. It’s not a bad idea — especially downtown, where quick, cheap lunches are always in demand — but in practice it falls apart.

The first thing you notice is the service. The counter help is usually harried and poorly trained. They’ve never asked me if I want a drink. When I ordered one anyway, the staff forgot to give me a cup each time. Once you order, you sit down and wait. And wait. You wait an awfully long time for a meal that is all pre-made and just has to be slapped together. Never have my dogs arrived at the same time as others’ at my table. The whole thing smacks of a lack of planning from the top.

There are little problems all over. The restaurant does not open on time. Sometimes when it does open, the sign still says closed. The staff does not answer the phone.

Similar glitches show up in the menu. The owners serve a champion dog: Nathan’s. But they have chosen to go with a jumbo skinless instead of the classic natural-casing frank. Too bad. The skinless version lacks the chewy, juicy snap of a real dog, and the bigger size, when heaped with toppings, is tough to get your mouth around.

The rolls suffer from the same lack of forethought. Dick’s uses good, local Wimberger’s rolls, but they are too big and firm for a loaded dog.

Again and again, little slips like this mess up the menu. The Chicago dog does not have the required poppy seed bun nor the typical forest-green relish. The hot peppers are served on the side, not on top.

Many of the toppings, which are heaped on to the point that you can’t even see the dog, taste as if they were dished from a can. There is no signature dog that rises about the pack and suggests this wiener joint will succeed where others in the area have failed.

The Mexican dog — usually best of the breed in my book — was ruined by huge heaps of refried beans and a pasty, bland salsa.

It all makes for a thoroughly unsatisfying lunch. Dicks needs to shape up, or downtown diners may give it a new motto: “Bun voyage.”

DICK’S DOGS AND DINER

1 STAR out of 5

(fast food served slow)

Address: 101 N. Tejon St., Suite 106

Contact: 635-1951, dicksdogsanddiner.com

Hours: 10 a.m.-6 p.m. daily

Entrees: $4-$6

Vegetarian: Some

Alcohol: No

Credit cards: Yes

Dick’s Dogs and Diner is in the former S.S. Subs location at Tejon and Kiowa streets downtown. It specializes in many types of hot dogs, but also serves sandwiches, soups and desserts. Photo by CAROL LAWRENCE, THE GAZETTE

CAROL LAWRENCE,THE GAZETTE