Sleepless in Colorado Springs?

Apparently, there’s a reason director and screenwriter Nora Ephron didn’t set her classic 1993 romcom in our fair city.

According to a recent Consumer Affairs report on the best cities for dating in the U.S., the Springs ranked dead last of the 110 largest metropolises.

Ouch.

Happy almost Valentine’s Day, everyone!

As you may know, I’m the holiday’s biggest fan. Certainly bigger than the beleaguered man you see standing paralyzed in front of the empty bins of flowers at King Soopers on the late afternoon of Feb. 14, or in the candy aisle where sweet-toothed scavengers have decimated the red and pink boxes that, as a society, we’ve somehow decided will convey to our sweethearts how much we adore them.

Oh, wait. That was me a few years ago, rushing into the grocery on my way to meet an on-again/off-again beau for a Valentine’s dinner I wasn’t feeling enthusiastic about. I wasn’t sure about the etiquette – was I supposed to buy something for him? I supposed it couldn’t hurt. I’m all about equality. But I also figured if I’d really been in my feels about this person, I’d have planned a little better and come up with something more original than a sad clump of molting tulips. No offense to tulips.

I walked out of the store empty-handed. Somehow, handing over a holiday box of Ferrero Rocher felt more embarrassing than nothing at all. Like he’d be able to smell my last-minute gift desperation.

But I digress.

“Our research looks beyond dating apps to the real-life conditions that help sparks form, from the number of eligible daters to access to cool date spots,” writes Consumer Affairs online at consumeraffairs.com.

The privately owned consumer news, advocacy and review platform offers an online marketplace where users research, compare products and provide consumer reviews, among other features. And the small print says companies featured on the site might have paid to be there.

So, why did our fair city get blackballed in the dating market? According to the platform, our social spots are less dense compared with other cities, meaning it’s harder to meet new people at bars and restaurants.

“It’s also harder to snag a reservation that will impress your date,” they wrote.

We also have the second lowest share of single residents, with only 347 single people of every 1,000, who are presumably spoken for.

And there’s our median rent, at $1,510, which is above the U.S. median.

“So singles may have less freedom to splurge on date night,” they concluded.

I don’t know. These reasons seem sketchy. A bar is the last place I’d ever want to meet anyone. I speak from experience. And I don’t know many who have met their significant others in restaurants, where many diners are already with their partners.

As far as high rent holding us back, has Consumer Affairs never heard of going for a walk or a picnic as a date? How about a free art opening or reasonably priced museum? A free festival or outdoor concert? Free and cheap date options are abundant if you exert the tiniest bit of creativity.

I’d also like to point out that around Valentine’s Day in 2014 I wrote a very different story with this headline: Residents react to Colorado Springs being deemed most romantic city by Facebook.

“The Wall Street Journal commissioned Facebook to declare the 50 most romantic cities in the country, and guess who made the top of the list? Nope, not San Francisco with its gorgeous, foggy scenery. Not New York City with its never-ending nightlife. That’s right – Colorado Springs. Now go pick your jaw up off the floor and kiss your sweetheart,” wrote this indomitable reporter.

I also scoured the city that February for dating advice, and heard this wisdom from a sage named Jack Miller at Jack Miller Jewelry Designers:

“I was explaining to a friend who says he never meets anybody,” he said, while drawing two dots on a piece of paper. “This stationary object and this stationary object – when will they meet? Never. But if you get one of them to move around, chances are exponential that there will be an intersection and a meeting. It’s simple physics. You’ve got to do things. Do things you enjoy. Get out of the house.”

Yoda, was that you in disguise?

As you might imagine, people on the socials had a few opinions about the new report, which I’ve decided to take with several heaping tablespoons of Himalayan pink salt, because yum:

– “If singles didn’t have to work 2+ jobs to keep a roof over their heads, then maybe they’d have time for dating.”

A fair point, leading many of us to test the dating waters at work. A work crush = fun. A work crash = career change.

– “It could help numbers if all the married people would stop dating the single people.”

Another logical point.

– “My wife moved here at the end of January of last year, met me in March, and we were married New Year’s Day. Maybe it’s just good for the single lesbians.”

Congratulations, ladies. Some of us don’t dilly-dally around. When we know, we know.

– “Did y’all not watch ‘Love is Blind: Colorado?'”

Truth. Season nine of the reality TV series, where people can’t see each other before getting engaged and potentially married, was set in Denver and was an unmitigated disaster. It was probably the least successful season, as most of the ill-fated couples split before they ever got to the altar, suggesting that love at least needs a strong pair of readers.

– “I met the love of my life here, so it’s not the city, it’s the person.”

Great attitude. No wonder they found someone. This is a person who probably doesn’t equivocate in front of the Valentine’s Day gift leftovers 15 minutes before their date. I salute you.