I feel ambivalent about my life’s purpose these days.

How does that strike you? How do you feel about yours? Are you thinking “same?” Or are you stunned, curious, critical?

Once upon a time, many years and parallel universes ago, I thought I’d landed on a purpose, if not several, only to watch them disintegrate before me and morph like elusive little tricksters. And now, thanks to the passage of time and the beautiful vagaries of aging, I have mostly given up the quest. And I feel pretty OK about that.

Here it is, the start of the new year, and I boast not much purpose and zero tangible resolutions. Ah, let freedom ring. However, I do have a theme word for the year, which I often like to do. This year? Divine. I love that it can be used in three ways: noun, verb, adjective. I’m not sure how it’ll present itself throughout the year, but I’m up on the watchtower waiting for signs.

It’s not like I haven’t given life purpose serious thought. I’ve paid my due diligence in contemplation, landing on different answers that mostly lead to a general “be a decent, kind lass, and contribute something to the world.” But even that I sometimes fail at because, well, please note the word human. But frankly? I’m tired of ruminating on this question. It doesn’t cross my mind on the regular anymore. There are more interesting questions to ask, such as what makes me feel more alive and how can I do more of it? Or what will I regret not doing, saying or being when the Grim Reaper is polishing his scythe nearby? And also, how early is too early for a bowl of salty popcorn and a quick hit of “Traitors?”

I’ve finally figured out there are really no answers to anything. And that maybe it’s better to be more playful and take life less seriously. We’re all going to die and it would be nice to have a few more laughs while our vocal cords still work. That being said, I fully admit to teaching what I most need to learn, as I still struggle with catastrophizing all the things and also taking life way too seriously too often.

Colorado Springs artist practices and teaches ikebana, Japanese art of flower arranging

Life purpose doesn’t cross my mind until someone brings it up, which is what a good friend did recently when she told me she suddenly realized she didn’t have one and needed to find it. Many of us have probably at least briefly touched this topic, if only to be scorched by its heat and fling it to the side to cool down, possibly forever. I don’t blame you -— it’s a big, unwieldy question. But I will say it’s worth considering at some point, and also a quest to hold lightly and release.

Untangling this thorny question can be a journey of a lifetime. And maybe it’s only at the end that we can turn around and look back at the breadcrumbs we unknowingly scattered along the way and say ah, yes, there it is, my life purpose.

We must admit, though, that even having the question to begin with reflects something about our lives, as in they must be pretty good. I’m guessing the question of purpose didn’t cross our ancestors’ minds as they trudged across this great land, building fires and attempting to keep their fingers and toes from getting frostbite and gangrene. Survival was their purpose.

Having purpose seems like an idea that took root in the 20th century. It’s definitely a first world question. Many of us don’t have to worry about when and where the next air strike is coming or if our drinking water is tainted or where we’re sleeping tonight. Life is easier. And maybe because I don’t have to consider those things, my mind has a little too much free time, and guess where she likes to visit? The island of unanswerable, unknowable questions. So I’m ever grateful to even have the head space to consider purpose, as so many never will.

After tragedy, Florissant woman opens elf shop full of thousands of original creations

Another friend, who seemed a little caught off guard by my question, said she, too, used to consider it regularly years ago. And now she does not. Maybe this is a question that seems unimportant once you’ve lived a fair amount of life and been through its tiny and big tragedies countless times. Her reason for being, she thought, was to guide two people, her sons, into the world. And now the task was complete. Time to do other stuff.

After all the years of brooding and fretting, I’ve landed on this: My purpose is simply to live the heck out of my life, to grow into the best version of myself, and to extend a hand to as many people and animals along the way as my energy and boundaries allow. But I also believe purpose is ever-changing. So maybe my purpose today is to smile and say hi to that one stranger on the street, not knowing the butterfly effect of that tiny extension of friendliness. Maybe it’s to receive help from someone because doing it made them feel better. Or maybe it’s to find a lost dog and return her to its owner. Or to go out at night, find Orion’s belt and wonder at the mysteries of the universe.

Life purpose is to take up space in this body you’ve been gifted and in this life that’s been breathed into you and go forth and be a presence in the world. Hopefully, a warmhearted, loving presence, as we probably don’t need more of the opposite, but who knows, maybe we need those people, too, the ones who seem pretty dark, to help us recognize the light when it comes.

We need sorrow and pain just as much as we need joy and laughter. And that’s part of our purpose, too, to feel the entire spectrum of emotions we’ve been gifted. Of course happiness feels better than sorrow, but we wouldn’t know that if we hadn’t also felt its opposite.