I used to believe I had something to prove.

I needed to prove I was smart.

I needed to prove I was likable.

I needed to prove I was funny.

I needed to prove that I knew things.

Essentially, I needed to prove I was enough.

But in this game of seeking outside approval, the list of things you need to prove is infinite. And, you’ll never win. You’ll never feel good enough.

Knowing you’re enough has to come from inside yourself.

And to feel like enough, you need to own all of your parts — your flaws and your gifts.

I read something yesterday that reminded me that what we can’t allow in others, we likely don’t allow or own in ourselves. If someone else upsets us, we can consider what that might mean about our relationship with ourselves.

As I’ve written previously, unsolicited advice irks me. I regret the unsolicited advice I’ve given out. 

Until this week, I didn’t understand that it wasn’t the unsolicited advice that got to me. Beneath the advice-giving is the other person’s need to prove something.

This bothers me because I’ve unconsciously been doing the same thing.

When someone tries to prove something, they create a power dynamic that will land them on top. They are the source of the wisdom, wit, humor, etc., not you. They want to feel special.

If you also have something to prove, it can feel like they’re trying to squash you as they prove themselves.

But, it’s not about you. It is about them and the lack that they feel. If you engage with them in a battle of proving yourself, you will not win. I’m not sure they will either. Both of you will likely feel unsatisfied.

When I reflect on the most challenging people and situations from my past, the other person and I had something to prove.

And, I know I need more practice to stop responding to other people when they have something to prove.

On my run this morning, I veered off the trail to allow two bikes to pass. The second biker called out, “Don’t step on a cactus,” and I felt a rush of annoyance. Who was this person to scold me about not stepping on a cactus?

Then, I remembered this person has something to prove. It’s about them, not me. This person doesn’t feel like they’re enough, so they’re giving me advice to prove they are enough.

My temper quickly cooled with this realization.

Regardless of what others are trying to prove, I can observe them with compassion. I can step back instead of engaging. I can let them do their proving thing and move on. I can remind myself that I have nothing to prove. That I am enough, flawed and imperfect as I am. And, so are you.

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Joanna Zaremba is a writer, yoga teacher, movement and mindset coach, and student in the Doctor of Physical Therapy Program at the University of Colorado. She helps her clients to trust themselves and their bodies. Joanna has lived in the Pikes Peak Region since 2011 and can be reached at joannazaremba@gmail.com.